Archives for September 2016

Things You Don’t Want to Say to an Adopted Child

Things-You-Don't-Want-to-Say-to-an-Adopted-Child

Experts will tell you that communication with your adopted child is paramount. But there are some things that you should never say to an adopted child.

Don’t Ever Tell Your Child That They “Look Different” from the Rest of the Family

This can be unintentional. You tell your child that they don’t have certain family traits. It may be true, but it tells them that they are different and that they are not really part of the family. Physical appearance doesn’t have anything to do with really being a family, so leave it out of your discussions.

Don’t Tell Your Child That They Are Not Old Enough to Understand

When your adopted child asks questions, it can be scary, and the inclination can be to say, “you wouldn’t really understand…we’ll talk about that when you are older.” Unfortunately, when you don’t answer your child’s questions, they don’t stop thinking about them. What they’ll most likely do is try to come up with the answers on their own… they’ll frequently be wrong.

Don’t Ever Disparage Their Birth Parents

Your adopted child needs to have a positive image of his or her birth parents. The best thing you can say to your adopted child is that his or her birth parent loved him and made the decision to pursue adoption out of love. Don’t ever imply that you “saved” your adopted child from a difficult life, or that their birth parent did not or could not properly care for them.

Contact Us

To set up an appointment, call us in Haddonfield at 856-429-5005 or in Woodbury at 856-845-2555. We can also be reached in Philadelphia at 215-563-2150 or by e-mail. For clients with personal injury or workers’ compensation claims, we offer a free initial consultation, and will represent you on a contingency basis, only charging attorney fees if we recover compensation for you.

Our offices are open weekdays between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. Weekend and evening appointments may be arranged upon request. We will also come to your home or the hospital, if necessary.

What Your Adopted Child Wants You to Know

When you are thinking about adopting, it’s a good idea to talk to other adoptive parents, to learn about their experiences, so that you can best prepare to have a successful relationship with your adopted child. But what if you could ask your adopted child for advice, to learn what they need from you? Here are some observations adoptees have made that can help facilitate the process.

Adoption is Not a Magic Pill for the Child

child-adoptionMany adoptive parents have the perception that the adopted child must have been “in an unhealthy relationship” or must have been sad or suffering. They then assume that, because the child has been adopted by a “good” family, the child should no longer be sad or experience pain. This simply isn’t the case. While some children come from troubled family situations, others do not. Regardless of what their life was like prior to the adoption, there will still be a sense of loss. The most important thing you can do is provide a safe place for the child to feel all of his or her emotions.

It’s Not In the Child’s Best Interests to Pretend that the Past Never Happened

Your adopted child needs to make sense of his or her story. Regardless of their age, they will feel a sense of loss. The only way they will ever move past that sense of loss is to fully understand it. That comes from talking about it. If your child is young, there may come a point where, as they start to incorporate their story, they need to repeat it to anyone who hasn’t heard it before. That’s natural and you need to let it happen. You may get frustrated hearing the story over and over, but you need to let your child tell the story until it feels natural to them.

Many Adopted Children Struggle with Issues of Identity, Self-Worth and Shame

Especially with younger children, it’s typical for adoptees to construe the biological parent’s decision to put them up for adoption as “the child’s fault.” Accordingly, it’s not unusual for an adopted child to worry that they might be abandoned again. Experts say this can manifest in a couple different ways. The child may act out, seeing if there are limits where they might be sent away again. Conversely, they may be hyper-cooperative, trying not to do anything that would cause them to be abandoned again.

Contact Our Office

To set up an appointment, call us in Haddonfield at 856-429-5005 or in Woodbury at 856-845-2555. We can also be reached in Philadelphia at 215-563-2150 or by e-mail. For clients with personal injury or workers’ compensation claims, we offer a free initial consultation, and will represent you on a contingency basis, only charging attorney fees if we recover compensation for you.

Our offices are open weekdays between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. Weekend and evening appointments may be arranged upon request. We will also come to your home or the hospital, if necessary.

Update on Opening of Birth Records

Connecticut has recently enacted a law which allows many individuals who had been adopted to obtain copies of their original birth certificates as well as medical records, and the Act also includes contact preferences. The Pennsylvania House of Representatives is currently considering a Bill to allow access to original birth certificates. That Bill is still being worked on and has yet to be enacted. New Jersey has already enacted a Bill allowing certain individuals to obtain copies of the original birth certificate. Portions of that Bill will go into effect very shortly and in anticipation of that the New Jersey Bureau of Vital Statistics has posted forms on line to be used.